Dumb Luck
by Accidental-Ducky
Summary: James Bond had always assumed parenthood to be an easy thing, but then a little girl is dropped off on his doorstep with only her birth certificate. Or in which James has to raise his daughter, Alec has to help the idiot, and Q goes along for the ride.
1. New Pets

In hindsight, maybe it wasn't James' best decision to send his daughter to a pet shop with only Alec for supervision.  
Or in which James is exhausted after a mission gone wrong and his daughter is an impatient little shit that has her uncle Alec wrapped around her little finger.

* * *

After a mission gone completely wrong and a quick run to the hospital, all James wanted to do was crash in his bed and not move for a week or two. Unfortunately, one of the worst things about being an MI6 agent and having a daughter is the conflicting sleep schedules; where James was just crawling into bed, Gwen was getting up.

He had just closed his eyes when he felt the tell-tale signs of a certain five-year-old wriggling her way up onto his bed and then settling herself on his stomach. All he could really process at that moment in time was how thankful he was that she careful not to touch his bandaged arm. It was just a graze, but it still hurt like hell when his muscles flexed against the stitches.

"You awake, Daddy?"

"No," he mumbles, good arm under his head and sore one resting on her back to keep her from sliding off," I'm sound asleep, Monkey." He can feel it as she leans forward, her weight shifting and then a pair of determined fingers were prying one of his eyes open. Her dark hair was knotted from sleep and her nightgown was stained with chocolate from the night before when Alec was babysitting.

"You look like crap." He snorts, rolling so that Gwen was on the bed and he could tickle her without worrying about tearing his stitches. "Daddy," she giggles, trying to roll away from him and swatting at his arm," that's cheating! You're a dirty cheater!"

"And _you_ are a little terror," James returns with a smile. He may be exhausted and ready to drop, but he'd be damned if he did it when his daughter was unsupervised. "What are you even doing up so early?" Gwen manages to get out from under his hand and sits up on her knees, using both hands to push her hair off her face.

"We're getting a fishy today, 'member?" He has to pause and think for a minute before remembering the promise he'd made the previous morning. It was the only way he'd been able to get out the door, promising to take her to the nearby pet shop for a fish she could take care of when he was gone. Now he just wished he'd promised to lounge on the couch and watch cartoons instead. "You forgot!"

"Did not."

"Did so! You forgot all about my fishy, Daddy!" He sighs, running a hand over his face to fight back sleep. It was getting progressively harder to focus on her when all his brain wanted to do was shut down for at least six hours.

"Look, Monkey, let me sleep for a little while and I'll take you to the shop when I wake up." She purses her lips and gives him a look that's every inch the look her mother had mastered, it meant he wasn't getting out of an early morning shopping trip without a damn good reason. For added effect, she crosses her arms and raises both her brows just like Q does whenever James screws up. "Or I could make a call and have someone take you there?"

"That's a good answer, Daddy."

"Yeah, I think so, too." With a grunt, he forces himself out of bed and over to the jeans he'd kicked off less than five minutes ago. He digs his phone out and hits the first number in his contacts, pressing it to his ear as he waited for the person on the other end to pick up. It was three rings later when he heard the faint click and then a voice.

"I just left," Alec growls down the line.

"And I've just got in, but that doesn't matter to Gwen."

"What's wrong with her?" He sounded more alert now, ever at the ready when it came to the little girl that had wiggled her way into his heart. Until five years ago, James had always thought his friend hated children of any kind, but then Gwen was dropped off on James' doorstep and Alec was the first to volunteer for diaper duty.

"Nothing, I just made her a promise yesterday and I can't possibly fulfill it myself this early. You know how impatient she is."

"Yes," Alec replies dryly," I wonder where she got that from." James just arches a brow and presses his lips together, holding up a finger when Gwen opens her mouth. It was the international gesture of _hold on a damn second_ and James took advantage of it often. "Alright, I'll be there in ten minutes."

"Thank you, Alec."

"Thank me later with a glass of scotch." Smiling a little, James hangs up the phone and drops it back to the floor before scooping Gwen up in his arms. She lets out a delighted squeal at the unexpected motion, allowing James to cart her through the flat to the living room. Before she came along, his home had been immaculately clean and barely looked lived in, but now there were dollies strewn all over the floor and the random Powerpuff Girls stickers stuck to his couch and slippers.

"Sit tight and I'll get you some clothes for the day."

"Can I watch cartoons," she asks with that damnably charming smile. She got it from him and it never failed to get her exactly what she wanted, the spoiled brat. But he used the same smile to get what he wanted, so how could he fault her for learning by example?

"Of course, Monkey." He could hear the sounds of Rugrats playing as he moves into her room, navigating around the toys and books until he was at her closet. Unlike the rest of her room, Gwen's closet was perfectly in order with the best clothes money could buy; Eve and M often took turns buying new clothes when Gwen needed them. He quickly grabs a pair of tights and a Mickey Mouse top for her to wear before getting a clean pair of panties and some socks from her dresser.

When he got back into the living room, Gwen was already curled up in her spot with a handful of Tootsie Rolls and a cup of milk. "No jeans?"

"No jeans." She nods with a pleased smile, setting her candy down and taking her clothes from him so she could get dressed. Despite her age, she was getting better at dressing herself, though there were still the rare moments when she puts her underwear on backwards. Leaving her to it, James makes himself comfortable on the couch, meaning to only close his eyes for a second.

The next time he opens his eyes, the sun is high in the sky and his daughter is standing in front of him with a little puppy in her arms. It was an Australian Sheppard and it just so happened to be missing a few crucial things that fish need to survive, like gills and fins. He turns his attention to the blond man raiding the liquor cabinet, clearing his throat to get Alec's attention. The other man straightens immediately, whacking his head on one of the shelves and blushing a bright red when he meets James' gaze.

"Oh," he starts nervously, pulling on his tie," you're awake."

"Daddy, look," Gwen shouts, scrambling up onto the couch and setting the puppy in James' lap. It was tiny right now, a ball of black fluff with big brown eyes that made it look completely innocent. James didn't like it. "Uncle Alec got me a pretty puppy! His name is Fishy."

"She gave the smile, James! How could I say no to the smile?"

In hindsight, maybe it wasn't James' best decision to send his daughter to a pet shop with only Alec for supervision.


	2. Lipstick Tasers and Sweet Revenge

The things two kids were capable of would never cease to amaze James and he began to wonder if it was pure luck or bad supervision that allowed the pair to get their hands on an actual fucking _lipstick taser_.  
Or in which James gets tased, Alec gets his ass handed to him, and two little girls get free cake.

* * *

The things two kids were capable of would never cease to amaze James and he began to wonder if it was pure luck or bad supervision that allowed the pair to get their hands on an actual fucking _lipstick taser_. That kind of shit belonged in a bad spy movie, not in the hands of an overactive five-year-old and a six-year-old that was too serious for her own good. Still, it took a few minutes before he could scold them because A) he was currently being laughed at by no less than three people and B) the electricity was still making his muscles all jumpy.

"Q," James manages after a moment, voice strained from the pain," I'm going to murder you."

"You can't even sit up yet," Q replies unconcernedly," and you'd also be forced to go without a certain privilege for two weeks if you attempt it." If that wasn't entirely accurate, James would've kicked the smug asshole. _It's a good thing I love him_. And that was still a weird thought to have considering James has loved few people in his life; parents, an old flame, Gwen, and now Q.

The little shit.

"Uncle Alec told me to do it," Gwen says when James finally stops twitching. The blond gives his niece a betrayed look, mouth falling open.

"It's true," Sallie adds with a shrug," he said it'd be funny to watch you pee yourself." Gwen nods along and gives an award worthy grin, knowing no adult could possibly get onto her when she did that. With a pained grunt, James gets to his feet and pulls the small darts out of his stomach. "Uncle James?"

"Daddy?" His blue eyes were focused solely on his best friend, wobbling slightly on his feet yet still looking every inch the deadly force that he is. Alec can see that right off the bat, muscles tensing as he readied himself for the long sprint through Q Division. Alec only manages a quiet "Uh-oh" before darting off down the hall with James close on his heels. "Five pounds says my daddy kicks your daddy's butt."

"You're on, Gwen."

"What do you think he'll do when he realizes Q bribed us to do it with a piece of cake?"

"Absolutely nothing," Q states with a small smile," and there's money involved if you promise to keep this a secret."

"Why'd you want us to do it anyway," Sallie asks, tilting her head back so she can see him better.

"Because, Sallie, your daddy set my hair on fire last week and I needed a little vengeance." And the incident was still being talked about for the next month, though they all went suspiciously quiet when Q walked past. It goes without saying that no one tried to set Q's hair on fire again for fear of James Bond chasing them through the building, attaching them to the flagpole, and leaving them there for a day and a half.

Of course, two certain girls had giggle fits about it well into adulthood.


	3. Late Night Humiliation

Being a father was an amazing thing that James Bond wouldn't give up for all the crazy missions in the world, but there were moments when he thought his daughter came straight from hell.  
Or in which Gwen is teething, James is contemplating how to calm her down, and poor Q just wants his beauty sleep.

* * *

Being a father was an amazing thing that James Bond wouldn't give up for all the crazy missions in the world, but there were moments when he thought his daughter came straight from hell.

It was two in the morning, he was halfway to another meltdown, and the kid in his arms continued to squirm and cry. He had no clue what to do that would soothe her, but he was severely tempted to call someone, _anyone_ , that might have even the smallest clue. He was an agent, dammit, a man that caused several deaths a week, but a six-month-old girl was capable of making him dissolve into frustrated tears in three minutes flat.

"You could be used to dispel all terrorism," James informs her, bouncing her a little faster as he continued to pace the room. "All I'd have to do is send you over to them and they'd be begging to make a deal in less than ten minutes if you keep this crying up." Of course, the baby could no more understand him than he could understand her. "I am an agent that has clawed his way to being the best, I've killed countless people, you know. How in the hell did I manage to get a daughter that's just as ruthless as I am?"

"Just lucky, I guess," Q states, shuffling into the living room of James' flat. His dark hair was rumpled and he only wore a pair of James' sweats, a sparse bit of hair starting just below his navel and disappearing past the waist of the pants. The slimmer man comes to stand next to James, staring down at Gwen with annoyance. "What's wrong with her?"

"If I knew that, I'd have it dealt with by now."

"Well, how do we mute her? We have that meeting tomorrow and I'm dead on my feet."

"She's a child, Q, not one of your computers." Despite his snappy tone, it was nice to know that he wouldn't be the only one falling asleep the next morning. M's meetings were well known to run long on Monday mornings, the older man droning on about at least three separate topics until the real point had been driven home. Last week's had started out with the renovation of the upper floors and ended with seventeen examples of why bringing your child to work with you was frowned upon (Gwen settled in M's arms and drooling on his fancy suit made it seem more like a suggestion, though).

"Have you tried rocking her?" At James' look, Q rolls his eyes and continues to list suggestions that James had tried at least four times by now with no success. Rocking, bouncing, talking, setting her in her car seat and setting that on the dryer while it was running, reading a dramatic monologue from Hamlet, reading _Winnie the fucking Pooh_ ; none of it helped to settle the infant.

"I'm all out of ideas, Q." James felt close to tears, like he was a failure since he couldn't get his own daughter to settle down. She'd been crying for the better part of an hour and his nerves couldn't take much more of this. "Could you hold her for a moment?"

"God no, I don't do tiny humans. They're too fragile."

"No more fragile than that bomb you helped to create last year."

"That's different! Bombs can de diffused, but children just keep going on and on. They're rather like Alec in that way." But James was running out of ideas and was certain he'd start throwing things if Gwen didn't get quiet soon. Not giving Q a chance to run back to the bedroom, James practically shoves the baby in his hands and runs for the kitchen. _Maybe she's teething?_ He'd read up on that when she first started cutting teeth and had stored a few soft rags in the freeze for such an occasion.

It didn't take long for him to get the cold cloths, but the crying slowly dissipated as he moved, the house completely quiet by the time he'd come back to the living room. Waiting for him on the couch were the two people he loved most in the world, snoring loudly and passed out on his couch. With a smile, he sets the cloths aside and joins the pair, falling asleep soon afterwards himself.

He never noticed when Alec showed up after noticing the desperate text messages displayed on his phone, but he _did_ give the other agent a black eye the next morning when he saw what was waiting for him in the meeting room. It was a picture of two men and an infant snuggled between them on the couch, their mouths hanging wide open and drool covering the blond man's silky pajama top.

But the baby, the little girl who'd caused so much trouble the night before, just giggled and pointed one chubby finger at the picture when they walked inside. She knew who those men were, letting out a series of noises that could be loosely translated as: _There's my daddy and his boyfriend_.

Yes, she may be the Devil reincarnated on some nights, but at least she was adorable enough that most people overlooked the sleep-deprived Q and 007.


End file.
